hello earth people!
So I just got back from a week of Thanksgiving break in my hometown. It was really nice to be back in familiar territory for awhile- let me tell ya, I needed the break. I've never been good at hiding my feelings, and so I think it was pretty obvious when my relatives asked me how my first semester of college was going and I answered with: "oooohh.... *sigh*.... it's, ya know... *cough*... good."
Driving back here, I was thinking about everything that's happened. In all honesty, this semester has been hell. And it's not that I don't like college, it's just that a lot of bad things have happened one right after the other.
And actually, when I look back on it, these past two and a half years have been particularly challenging. And within the past two weeks, I have faced my toughest challenge yet. It has included tremendous hurt, loss, and guilt.
But through this challenge, I have realized something that I think has been a long time coming. For as long as I can remember, I have operated (either consciously or subconsciously) under the notion that if I can execute everything in my life exactly right, then nothing will ever go wrong. I put it upon myself to be perfect and make the perfect decisions at all times. Something inside me told me that if I did that, then there would be no reason for anyone to leave my life or anything to not go according to plan.
This philosophy, of course, is absolute bullshit.
And the problem was, things still did go wrong. All the time. But instead of accepting it, I would blame myself for somehow messing everything up. This is not a healthy way to live.
And recently, I was just so tired of feeling weak and like everything was out of my control. I was tired of my feelings and my perceptions of myself being rendered in the hands of someone else. The way I was living, it was like I had no say in my own happiness.
So, even though my head and my heart were flooded with feelings of guilt and pain and shame and sadness, I decided to just stop.
I closed the floodgates. I decided that I was not going to let any person or circumstance control how I felt about myself and my life. I was not going to let anything control my happiness.
Instead, I am going to accept my circumstances and build my life to be the way I want it to be.
Now, I know this kind of inspirational crap is stuff you see and hear all the time. At least, I know I do, and most of the time, it really doesn't stick. Most of the time, I forget about whatever sappy quote or song I had just encountered and go back to sobbing into my Ben and Jerry's. So I understand if that's what this is to you.
But I think it took something horrible for me to really feel my own power in my heart. It took being pushed to my breaking point to decide that I could take control and that I am worthy of so much more than what I was allowing myself. So, in a way, it was a blessing.
I just want to be clear that I'm not saying to push away or ignore your feelings, because that is equally damaging and unhealthy. For me, it was like I was at the mercy of my feelings; I could not stop feeling them and I could not control them, so anything that happened to me had the power to bring me to my knees. I think it's all about balance. Allow yourself to feel and experience pain and joy and everything in between, but do not allow it to take away your power over your life.
That balance is what I am working toward. And with that balance, I am finding peace.
And now I feel so much excitement. I am so excited for the plans that God and the universe have for me. I can see now that although bad things have happened in my life, I am in store for 10 times more joy. And for that, I am very thankful. (BOOM. Thankful, Thanksgiving? Bringing it full circle, baby.)
So there ya go. I know this post probably wasn't very entertaining, but it is something real that I felt could be useful to share.
On a side note: HOLY CRAP HOW IS IT DECEMBER ALREADY I STILL HAVE A ROTTING PUMPKIN IN MY DORM ROOM
Well... that's all. :) thank you to everyone who has continued to read this blog and encourage me. Also, shout out to my cousin Andrew (who I know reads this) for creating probably the cutest human baby I have ever seen. I didn't hold her not because I didn't want to, but because I am not confident in my abilities to not harm a newborn child... :)
happy eating week-old stuffing!
Always,
Bailey Rose
