luckily it was just a mom smoking weed

hello humans!

 I haven't posted anything in a long time, but I saw something that inspired me to address a pretty personal topic.
Earlier today I posted a link on Facebook entitled "29 Phrases People with Anxiety Are Tired of Hearing." (I'll put a link to it at the bottom of this post). It depicted twenty-nine people with anxiety holding signs in front of their faces with the worst comments made about their anxiety written on it, including:
"You're pathetic," "Don't be so dramatic," and "You've got a weak mind."
This really struck me. I've always known a lot of people suffer from anxiety, but I don't think I realized that subconsciously I felt isolated by the way anxiety affects me. Let me explain:

I had my first panic attack one year ago.

Now before I go any further, I want to be clear that a panic attack is not just "feeling sweaty" or "nervous," and anxiety is not just being "on edge." Panic attacks are a body's irrational response to an trigger. Everyone is born embedded with the "fight or flight" instinct; for people with anxiety, the flight instinct is much stronger and exaggerated. There are many theories as to what causes anxiety/depression/panic attacks, one theory being that it has to do with a chemical imbalance of the neurotransmitters in the brain that regulate serotonin levels. I don't know if that's what causes my anxiety. All I know is that it is irrational, unpleasant, hard to control, and it interferes with my life.

My first panic attack was last summer, about a month and a half before I was to start college. I didn't know what was going on. It began with creeping feelings of sadness, nervousness, and fear. I thought I was just being emotional about starting a new chapter of my life, but soon I was sobbing uncontrollably, hyperventilating, and shaking. I wanted to stop, but I couldn't, and I didn't know why.

I went to the doctor, and he said that an occasional panic attack was normal, especially with the stresses of starting college. Phew. Normal. I was relieved.

But throughout my freshman year,  my anxiety worsened and my panic attacks became much more frequent-- and dangerous. One of the worst instances was when a stranger who lived close to campus led me inside her house after she heard me screaming on the sidewalk. Luckily, she was a nice middle-aged mom who was smoking weed on her porch and not an axe murderer, but the situation could've been much worse.
I just want to point out that the doctor was right. An occasional panic attack, especially during stressful time periods, is totally normal. I'm sure most people have experienced that. But what I was experiencing was not normal-- it was uncontrolled, irrational fear and a tumultuous bodily reaction to that fear.

I never wanted to leave my dorm room. It got to the point where even being in the crowded cafeteria made me paranoid and unfocused. Whenever I was in class, at work, or even just around friends, I couldn't wait until it was socially acceptable for me to go back to my room and be alone again. I was terrified of my panic attacks, and therefore I was terrified of anything that could possibly trigger one. Everyone has different triggers, and through working with a counselor and on my own to understand my anxiety, I have found that my triggers always involve feeling a lack of control. My worst panic attacks happened in situations where I felt powerless, ignored, or like everything I was doing wasn't good enough. These are my big triggers, but they can come in tiny packages, and that's whats frightening. One little thing can trip me up and, when met with the same reaction that the people in the aforementioned post received, I spiral out of control.

Because if I had to write something on a sign of my own, I'd have a hard time choosing the "worst comment." Some of the things I've heard during a panic attack include:
- "Get yourself together."
- "This is unnecessary."
- "You're just lazy and you want everyone to do everything for you."
- "I'm not going to stand here while you're crying at me."
- "You need to go talk to someone else, I can't handle this."
- "Take responsibility for your life."
- "Suck it up."
- "Stop being a baby."

I want to make it clear that a person with anxiety does NOT want to be that way. And when someone is having a panic attack, they are likely experiencing emotions of guilt and self-loathing, along with the fear and sadness that comes with the panic attack. I know I do. So that is why it is SO incredibly damaging to someone with anxiety who reaches out to a loved one to be met with disgust or a total lack of empathy. I cannot describe how emotionally painful that is.
Now I don't want it to seem like I'm throwing a pity party here. The problem is not a lack of kindness from loved ones, but a lack of understanding. Many people just don't understand what anxiety and panic attacks truly are, and therefore can't understand why it is affecting their loved ones.

So that's why I decided to write this. Because I realized that it's not just me. Other people are experiencing the same isolation and lack of understanding. And I want to raise awareness about anxiety disorders so that there can be less hurt produced from them.

I have since been to the doctor and diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. I've started a medication that is supposed to regulate the chemical levels in my brain so that my triggers do not effect me as dramatically. I have had panic attacks since being on the medication, so I'm not sure if it's something that can be completely controlled, but the point is: it happens. It's a thing. Most people who are affected develop anxiety or depression between the ages of 18 and 24. And if you or someone you know is struggling with something like this, you are not alone.

So in order to raise awareness, here are some symptoms of a panic attack (at least ones that I experience):
- sobbing (usually lasting around 30 minutes or more)
- hyperventilating
- excessive sweating
- lightheadedness
- paranoia
- shaking
- trouble getting air/ clutching at chest

If anyone ever comes to you suffering from a panic attack, PLEASE be understanding. Realize that they are not choosing this, and they would probably do anything to stop it. Normally it is quite easy to calm someone from a panic attack once you understand what they need. Things that help me are:

-holding/ hugs
- reassurances like, "It's okay," "You're doing great," etc.
-  soothing tones
- patience

Let me just say that people with anxiety disorders are not fragile. I am not fragile. I do not need people to walk on tiptoes around me, fearing I'll combust at any second. That's not what anxiety is about. I am a strong, stubborn, annoying, lovely female human person that does not need to be babied or pitied. The only thing people with anxiety disorders need is understanding and, during a panic attack, comfort. And that is all.

Okay. Whew. I think that's all for now. I know this one was long, but I think it was important. Thank you for reading and bearing with me (if you made it this far).

If anyone has any questions about anxiety disorders/panic attacks, feel free to ask. And remember, it's not a weakness. It's just a thing.

Until next time :)

Always,
Bailey Rose

29 Phrases People With Anxiety Are Tired of Hearing --> http://www.buzzfeed.com/robynwilder/phrases-that-people-with-anxiety-are-tired-of-hearing